Monday, January 01, 2007

Counting My Blessings

I think I'm feeling the post-holiday blues. Hubby's been off work since the 22nd, but he goes back tomorrow. Yuck. I should just be happy that he was able to take so much time off (he had vacation to kill) but I've enjoyed having another adult around the house to talk with me and field the occasional dirty diaper. He's such a good cleaner, too. Now life returns to its hectic normalcy. The dorm boys return tomorrow so I need to clean all the toys out of the lobby. I also put all my Christmas decorations away today. I'm not sure if that made me feel better or worse. I was hoping it would be a sort of purge, but I think it just emphasized the end of festivities and the beginning of another long year.

Honestly, I don't know what I'm complaining about. My kids and husband are great. I have a wonderful family and great in-laws. God has blessed us with so much this year, despite my whining. DH has a good job and Zaya and Mim are both healthy and strong. I have more food than I need, and more love than most people might expect to experience in their lifetime. I don't deserve all this, and the pessimist in me wonders if it means I'm doing something wrong. Anyone who's been raised in a strong, evangelical church will understand what that last line means. I suppose I should just enjoy it, and pray that it lasts, but it makes me wonder if anyone who could be depressed while living my particular slice of the American dream is not spiritually strong enough to handle much difficulty and persecution. Wouldn't it be nice if we could be strong without suffering through the tests; if we could have the patience without the "trying of our faith"? I'm not sure whether I should mourn or brace myself.

God's will be done.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Believe me, you are not alone. Depression is not a denial of your faith, in my opinion. There is so much of our emotional make up that is determined by our brain chemicals not by the desires of our heart. We live by faith and not by feelings. Hang in there.