Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Here they come! Run!

It's just possible that Wal-Mart will refuse to let us shop there anymore.

Not for any illegal activity. No, no. It would be for regularly frightening, confusing and otherwise interfering in the lives of the other shoppers. In just the last week, Zaya has been E-Coli, the HIV-AIDS virus, a plasma cell and an imaginary blind snake named Yellow.

This wouldn't be a problem if he didn't try to bring other Wal-Mart patrons in on the fun.

"Hey! I'm E-Coli!" He yells down the aisle to a young mother and her baby. "Mommy, I think I'm going to be the HIV virus," he then says loudly.

Go ahead, try to explain to your five-year old why he can't pretend to be HIV in Wal-Mart. I dare you.

When we get up to the cash register he says to the young, blond, childless cashier, "Guess what kind of cell I am? I'm a plasma cell. Look, I'm making antibodies!" She looks completely confused and says, "Maybe he'll be a scientist someday" with a 'let's be nice to the customer, no matter how weird her children are' look on her face.

The next day when we went (yes, I frequently go to Wal-Mart two days in a row.) he was pretending to be a snake character that he'd just invented named Yellow. Yellow has no eyes, but has two sensors on top of his head that he can use to sense predators and prey. He also has a skeleton that looks like a spaghetti noodle. I know all these things because Zaya was telling other people about them, and as they would hurry off around the corner he would yell after them until I went and got him and hurried away myself.

He went up to one elderly lady and just stood there with his eyes closed. "I'm sensing you," he said. She looked afraid and confused, which is what I often get in Wal-Mart.

"Sorry! He's a blind snake today," I mumbled apologetically.

"Oh dear," she said. "I don't like snakes."

So Zaya started flicking his tongue in and out of his mouth. I had to physically drag him away from the poor lady.

At least he didn't decide to be the other character he invented yesterday. Its name is One-Eyed Cat, and it has no eyes. Yes, you read that right. "But Zaya," I protested, "Its name is One-Eyed Cat. Doesn't it have one eye?"

"No, Mom. It has no eyes. It just uses its sense of smell and touch to detect predators and prey, because it doesn't even have sensors on its head like Yellow does."

And Mim, who is usually my stable anchor to sanity, told me last night, "I'm going to dream about a good virus that keeps people from getting Heart Attacks. It just goes down to where bad viruses are and grabs them with its tentacle and bites them."

Not two of them! I can't take it!

In any case, I think it's time we take the Epidemic book back to the library. Zaya coughed a bit the other morning, and then said with a gleam in his eye, "I hope I don't have TB!"

Definitely time to return to Goodnight Moon.

The picture above is when we took a break from causing panic at Wal-Mart to cause panic at our favorite local Chinese buffet. If you think it's disturbing to talk loudly about contagious diseases at a department store...


Johanna said...

LOL!!! Your life is very very interesting!

Erica said...

Oh my goodness! I love your adorable kiddos~ Z is cracking me up with his creative antics- I wish I would run into people as fun as you guys in WalMart :-)

Dawn said...

This is hysterical! I kept thinking.. What in the world is she teaching these kids. There is some serious education about disease and wildlife :)

No son, you cannot be HIV today, you always get to be HIV.

Lilibeth said...

I can't wait until we all invade the zoo together...and a virus to bite the head off of bad virus types that cause heart attacks? She may be on to something.

aftergrace said...

How funny! I imagine the people at Walmart have pretty much seen it all!

Chandelle said...

Oh...I've laughed so hard! What therapy. is really not at your expense, friend. I'm actually feeling quite privileged to have heard about Yellow in person!

Qtpies7 said...

That is hilarious! LOL